“Let’s see, so that was Mar Valac the Domination, Purge Lord of the 8th plane… tell me, do you spell ‘Valac’ with a C or a K?”

                “With a c.”

                “Wonderful. Just give me one moment to find the correct form, please.”

               Mar Valac the Domination shifted his weight in the diminutive chair. The human sitting at the desk in front of him flashed the thin-lipped smile her kind were so fond of. Ever since Humanity’s incursion and conquering of the celestial realm, Mar Valac’s existence had become an enormous hassle. The same held true for every other cosmic entity he knew. These humans and their infuriating bureaucracy!

               “Mr. Valac?”

               The human repeated his name. Mar snapped out of his sulking and turned to her. She looked exactly like the rest of her kind: fleshy, small, and carrying Humanity’s signature feature: a single, disgusting tuft of fur on top of her head. Why would they only have fur there? It didn’t make any sense, and it looked stupid. Nothing like his own beautiful scales. He addressed the human haughtily.

               “My title is Purge Lord Valac the Domination, human!”

               “I’m sorry sir, there isn’t a box for that. I could put Mrs. Valac, if you like?”

               “Mr. Valac is fine.” He grumbled. He just wanted to leave this damn space. Humans had managed to create a special light source that was almost universally irritating to being across the cosmos. It was called “fluorescent.”

                “Well Mr. Valac, you’re applying for a Class 4 smiting permit, correct? You haven’t quite filled this in correctly. I will need to submit your reason for smiting.”

                Mar clenched two of his three jaws. He needed a reason? Those little mongrels had it coming! Was that not reason enough to smite a species anymore? What kind of twisted world did these humans come from? He looked down at the various identifying documents he had been required to bring. The humans had forced him to get all of these, seemingly for the sole purpose of making sure he still had all of them. This was lunacy, no, torture! And he could smite whoever he wanted to.

                “They are small, weak little creatures. I am a grand and powerful being. It is only the way of the universe that they should burn at my hand.”

                “Yes, but why are you smiting them?”

                “Because… I’m not… they can’t… “

                “Quickly please Mr. Valac, you’re holding up a line.”

               Mar Valac sputtered incoherently.  “I’m big! And… and they’re small!” He looked around the room, then back to the human. “THEY’RE SMALL!”

               “I’m just going to put blasphemy.”

               This human didn’t even understand the basic way of the world. Mar shook his heads in disbelief. How the humans had managed to get this far was beyond him. To defeat the God King’s army and gain dominion over the celestial realms, yet not even comprehend a simple power dynamic? He wished he could turn this insolent pipsqueak into a grease stain, but the humans’ suppressive technology prevented him from using his powers. It was all Mar could do to maintain an intimidating form while he was within the humans’ space.

                “Could you elaborate on your method of smiting please? All you’ve written here is ‘pain’.” The human looked at him over the tops of her glasses.

                “My rage will guide me to the perfect destruction. Only moments before their demise will I know the exact nature of the power I will unleash. My wrath will take endless forms!” Mar Valac’s eyes burned a hateful red.

                “To be determined on site… Unfortunately, sir, it appears that while the beings you’ve targeted are not endangered, several other species on this planet are. According to Section 3, subsection B of the Intercosmic Environmental Defense Act, you must ‘present specific and detailed descriptions, of the methods you will employ in order to assure no endangered species or biomes are disrupted or’-“

                “Disrupted? Their world will be razed and turned to ashes! I will cleanse the planet with fire! Everything shall be disrupted.” He pushed his eyes to burn brighter, but they collapsed into a fit of rapid blinking. The hateful burning really dried them out.

                “If I give you a map of the planet, could you refrain from razing the highlighted areas?”

                “And if I don’t?” Mar made no attempt to conceal the hatred in his voice.

                “Well, you’ll be fined and will be required to make an appearance in court.” The human smiled at him.

                “Court! I will gladly attend your king’s court. I shall make no secret of my utter contempt for him and his subjects!” Mar was confident that his presence would be enough to thoroughly cow any human king. If he could get into the humans’ royal court, surely he would be able to usurp the throne from within.

                The human narrowed her beady eyes. Mal couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or confused. Humans had too many facial expressions for his taste.

                “There’s a lot to unpack there, and none of it is in my job description. I recommend you brush up on human culture a little, Mr. Valac. For now, I’ll need you to sign this document.” She slid a stack of papers towards him.

                Mar used his dominant claw to etch a series of glowing runes onto the thin black line. They flared briefly before settling into black ink.

                “What fresh brand of human nonsense does this document contain?” He didn’t actually care, but the human seemed to get annoyed whenever he asked a question. Annoying the humans wasn’t as much fun as smiting them, but it was something.

                “This? It’s simply assurance for us that you will be motivated to uphold the terms of our agreement.” She stapled the papers and stored them in her desk. The finality of her tone stirred a feeling of unease in Mar Valac.

                “Assurance? What do you mean?” Unease turned to horror as the human’s eyes glittered maliciously. Mar’s feelings of superiority were quickly vanishing as the human’s predatory gaze bore down on him. “What does that infernal paper say on it?” Mar roared.

                “It says that if you breach the terms of our contract, your power and godhood will be forfeited.” The smugness radiating from the human was unbearable. Her eyes glittered maliciously. “All the energy siphoned from you will be repurposed and used for the good of society. You will become, for all intents and purposes, battery. At least until your sentence is served.”

                Mar balked. He would become… a power source? He began to panic. He didn’t understand human technology, but he had a healthy fear of it. Even the embassy he sat in was an impenetrable fortress in its own right.

                “But that’s not fair, I didn’t read it! You can’t do that!” He looked around him as if for help, but found none. “What kind of trickery is this?” he boomed.

                “Whether or not you read the document before signing it is not our concern, Mr. Valac. I assure you there is no trickery here. Simply abide by the terms we have outlined, and your status as a celestial entity remains intact.”

               Mar wanted to smite the human right in her unbearably smug mouth, but he wasn’t interested in the taste of human weaponry that would inevitably follow.

                They carried canisters of a toxic aerosol, containing a chemical referred as “capsaicin.” It was toxic to celestials and humans alike, but also heavily featured in human cuisine. Mar had experienced the displeasure of having the substance sprayed in his eyes before. His attention returned to the human as she handed him a small piece of paper.

               “Your class 4 smiting permit, Mr. Valac. Please remember to vacate the human realm by the date specified here, or you will be in breach of contract.” Mar made a mental note to brush up on human timekeeping. “Interfering with any planet, civilization, or species other than the one specified on your permit will place you in breach of contract.” Mar nodded sagely. He knew how to color inside the lines.

               “Failure to notify the proper regional authorities of your smiting will result in-“

               “A breach of contract?” Mar interrupted the human.  She flashed him a predatory smile. “Good to see we understand each other. Thank you for your time, Mr. Valac, and we look forward to your next visit. Humanity is always in need of more batteries.”

               Purge Lord Mar Valac the Domination left the human embassy at a dead sprint. Smiting was old news anyway. He could take up a new hobby. Something as far removed from the humans as possible.

            The subjugation of Sol-3 should have been a simple affair. The commander had referred to the planet’s inhabitants as “a primitive, backwards species too busy fighting amongst themselves to even notice us coming.” Captain Jaklek had even believed those words when looking through the initial surveillance of the planet, referred to as “Earth” by its inhabitants. The young civilization had spent the last 100 rotations around their star desperately sucking their planet dry of its natural resources. They had filled their atmosphere with toxic chemicals, polluted their ecosystems, and continued to destroy each other in easily preventable wars. It was about time somebody stepped in and saved them from themselves.

            The Divine Conglomerate, which functioned as both a galactic religion and government, had slated this race to be one of many slave races. Self-designated as “Humanity”, they had been unable to achieve world peace, and standard procedure was to offer the species Tier 3 citizenship: limited rights, limited education, and a lifetime of servitude. In return, all of their physical needs would be assured. Jaklek had watched many civilizations accept this offer, a reasonable decision given the overwhelming difference in technology. There was always some amount of resistance, of course, and on occasion entire species would defy their subjugation. Under these circumstances, more aggressive measures had to be taken.

            He had reviewed the file on these humans several times. The forward-facing eyes that stared at him from the page were the mark of a predator, but beyond that the species didn’t appear threatening. With no natural weapons or defenses to speak of, the primates were mostly fleshy with only a small amount of fur. Scans of the planet’s surface revealed structures made primarily from wood and a type of artificial stone. Very primitive indeed. Perhaps he would even be hailed as deity, with such superior technology. The files indicated that they had achieved nuclear weapons, but the shields on his ship could withstand a blast several hundred times the yield of humanity’s most powerful explosive.

            Jaklek’s ship, the Sacred Doctrine, was a white and gold display of opulence and power. It was bristling with the latest weapons and technology, a frightening concept given the rapid advancements made by the Divine Conglomerate. Jaklek didn’t even understand what a large number of the systems were for, though his crew would never know that. He watched from orbit as nine dropships descended onto the planet, aiming for the capitols of the most powerful nations. The primitive species had an incredible number of countries. Jaklek had seen fractured species before, but 195 individual nations was frankly, absurd. Did humans not understand moderation? Jaklek chuckled to himself; clearly, they were unfamiliar with the concept. Their planet’s climate was on the verge of collapse after all, and that doesn’t happen overnight.

            He watched his communicator, waiting on the ground team to report that they has been successful. The terms of humanity’s surrender had been delivered to every nation digitally, but it was traditional to capture the leaders of each faction to execute them. This was more symbolic than anything, however, and there were rumors the Conglomerate was thinking of retiring the practice. The humans had agreed to these terms rather quickly, and Jaklek could picture the scene on the surface very clearly: His soldiers, lined up neatly in front of their ship with armor and weapons on full display while the humans cowered and hid from the overwhelming might before them. It certainly was taking a while, but that was to be expected. They weren’t usually this many leaders to round up. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding as the console notified him of an incoming transmission.

            “Sir, we’re taking heavy fire! Request immediately withdrawal, these primates are… well, we can’t even see them!” It was the squad leader of the ground teams, and his voice sounded panicked. Jaklek pressed a button on his device and responded.

            “What do you mean you can’t see them? Records show this species has no advanced stealth technology. If they are resisting, get into formation and open fire!” He leaned back in his seat. Were his soldiers incompetent? This operation should have been quick and clean, with minimal resistance. As he contemplated sending more troops, another transmission came in.

            “Sir we don’t have visual on anything. They’re- Oh god, they’re in the trees! Fire into the tr-.” The transmission was cut short by a staccato burst of loud pops, then static. Jaklek pulled up a live feed of the landing craft’s external cameras. He saw his soldier standing in formation, firing plasma bolts wildly into the trees. Bursts of gunfire from the locals erupted from the trees and brush seemingly at random, each one claiming the life of another soldier. The captain of the Sacred Doctrine felt fury rising in his chest. This was cowardice, to hide and sneak in the shadows rather than face your enemy on the battlefield. These savages didn’t even understand the etiquette of war practiced by all other species in the Conglomerate.

            “All ground troops, return immediately. It seems these creatures have no plans to be reasonable.” He waited for a reply, but was met only with silence. “All ground troops, retreat. Respond immediately.” Again silence. He checked the camera feeds again and was greeted with the sight of all his soldiers dead on the ground. Instead of plasma scorches, their wounds appeared to be small holes, almost as though they had been killed using primitive projectile weaponry. Jaklek’s jaw hung open in disbelief. His file had reported that humans used a form of chemical slug launchers, but he hadn’t thought much of it. His own species has used those in the past, a metal ball propelled through a tube by expanding gases; ultimately the system lacked power and accuracy, and was foregone in favor of the newly developed plasma weaponry. The humans however, seemed to have developed this technology enough to perforate his soldiers’ armor. Jaklek opened a communications channels to the bridge.

            “Fire an antimatter warhead at the planet. Let’s show these savages what real power looks like.” He smirked. Underhanded cowards or not, they had no defense against orbital weaponry. Their satellites were largely for communication, and the handful of observation satellites were just pointed back at the planet. He sat back in his chair and watched the bomb fall. It should take a nice divot out of the planet, as well as quell the rebellious locals.

            Sergeant Angela Davies was having a much better day than she thought would be the case. The entire world has been on edge for the past week, after receiving an ultimatum from the zealot aliens that declared humanity to be their slaves, owned by some “divine right.” The invaders had declared that all major world leaders would be captured and executed, which went over like a ton of bricks. After an emergency UN meeting, it had been decided that the aliens would be allowed to land under the pretenses of Humanity’s surrender, at which point the Marines surrounding the designated landing field would attempt to eliminate or capture all the aliens.

            Sergeant Davies was sure what she’d been expecting, but for the alien ships to actually land in the open field surrounded by woods was not at the top of the list. The location just screamed “trap.” Even less so did she expect the soldiers to march out of their ships single file and line up neatly in the open space like a bizarre Civil War reenactment. Their technology looked impressive, but their tactics… were nonexistent. This became immediately obvious when the human troops opened fire. They had opted for standard guerrilla warfare tactics, which seemed to be a good play given the enemy’s response.            

            The white and gold clad aliens were panicking, firing orange blasts of light into the surrounding woods seemingly at random. Their armor seemed durable, but couldn’t withstand the .308 rounds fired by the sharpshooters in the trees and bushes. Their instinct seemed to be to huddle together in an attempt to protect each other, which didn’t work in the slightest. Within 10 minutes the battle was over, with all invaders dead or captured. While stripping the armor from one of the prisoners, Angela noted that the aliens appeared very similar to a bipedal wild boar. They certainly didn’t have the instincts of a hunter. Technicians and engineers flooded the scene, examining the alien technology and boarding their ships.

            She stopped as her earpiece began relaying information. It seemed the alien ship orbiting above them had dropped what appeared to be a bomb, which had been swiftly intercepted by surface to air missiles. Based on the explosion’s size, scientists were guessing it had carried a payload of antimatter. The UN had made an emergency decision to take immediate defensive countermeasures, and would be firing on their attempted conquerors. Sergeant Davies blinked several times in surprise when she received her next orders.

            Aboard the Sacred Doctrine, Captain Jaklek felt something his species hadn’t felt in centuries: the primal fear prey has when facing a predator. He’d watched the warhead detonate in the upper atmosphere, and his second officer reported that it had been intercepted by a human weapon. He would have to fire the entire stockpile of warheads, surely they couldn’t intercept all twenty. He only need one to hit the ground and the humans would understand how outmatched they were. His frantic thoughts were interrupted by a message from the bridge.

            “Captain, we’re detecting multiple nuclear warhead launching from the surface. They seem to be targeting us. What are your orders?” Jaklek snorted. Nuclear warheads might be powerful, but species tended not to stockpile more than about 50 because of their inherent danger, and his ship could withstand hundreds of the human explosives.

            “Hold position, their weapons won’t be able to scratch us. Prepare the remaining antimatter bombs for launch.” He paced back and forth across the observation deck. This incursion could still be turned into a victory. He received another transmission from the bridge.

            “Sir, our sensors have picked up over 12,000 warheads on course for us. What are your orders?” Jaklek felt the icy claw of fear grip his heart. 12,000 nuclear warheads… what kind of insane race would create that many? His breathing was getting faster. This ship wasn’t designed to outmaneuver missiles, it was supposed to be able to absorb the damage. At this rate, his mission would be a failure.

            “Sir, your orders?” He barely registered the second officer’s voice over the communicator. Jaklek was in full panic. He would need to activate the autopilot in the drop ships, perhaps if they could get to him in time, he could escape. There wasn’t room for all his crew, but he was far more important. His final hope crumbled to dust as he saw the dropships already leaving the planet. The humans… they must have hijacked them, but how could they fly such foreign technology?

            As a fleet of warhead tipped missiles closed in on the Sacred Doctrine, Captain Jaklek typed a final message to his home world: “URGENT: ENFORCE QUARANTINE AROUND SOL SYSTEM IMMEDIATELY. SPECIES DESIGNATION “HUMANITY” IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS. THEY MUST BE CONTAINED.”

            The radio waves barely escaped the ball of nuclear fire that bloomed above the blue planet.